It is stinking hot out there, you guys, which means that someone, somewhere, thinks it's okay to just abandon all social norms and sunbathe in a thong or wear flips flops on the subway or walk around the bodega barefoot. So once again, let's go over some ground rules for acceptable Heat Wave Behavior. Please refrain from the following:
Wearing little white socks with your shorts and loafers. "Who the fuck would do that?" you ask, understandably horrified. Ahem.
Wearing flip flops on the subway. To be frank, flips flops in all urban settings will result in the buildup of a monstrous amount of bacteria, but the subway already has all the floating skin it needs without your exposed extremities. Wrap those puppies up.
Wearing a thong in public. Regardless of any other attributes or qualities you may possess as a human, when you wear a thong in public, you become, suddenly, the Person in the Thong. No longer will anyone care that you make a wonderful pad thai, that you scored exceptionally well on the verbal part of your SATs, or even that 98 percent of the time, you do, in fact wear pants. Suddenly, all anyone will ever be able to picture you doing is making pad thai in a thong or wearing a thong over your slacks. Is that the life you want?
Sunbathing topless: SPF 50 or...bust.
Buying those white linen pants: Fine, fine. Just make sure you have appropriate undergarments and be sure to avoid coming in contact with anything in New York City that will stain them. Good luck!
And of course, stay hydrated, greasy with sunscreen, and loiter in an air-conditioned office/department store as frequently as possible. (Or on the air conditioned sidewalk outside.) Cooling centers will be open all day—find the one that's right for you here! Senior center staff may or may not frown upon your thong, but that is the risk you must take.
For more helpful tips on living through a classic NYC heat wave, there's this.
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